Artwork by Christine Soja
When I first heard the term “life coach” I’m sure I winced. Growing up in athletics, I was oh so familiar with coaches. There were some good ones, but I’ve had plenty of coaches who motivated with humiliation and competition. Coaches who put winning over everything else. Coaches who crossed the line with inappropriate comments about players’ bodies, abilities, and personal lives.
We are all pretty familiar with coaches in the realm of physical fitness, but the concept of coaching is expanding. Coaches are popping up all over the place: health coaches, financial coaches, ADHD coaches, and it makes sense. We all need support at times in different areas of our lives.
I have used coaches to take many of the big leaps I have taken. When I quit drinking, I used a coach. For the last two years I have been part of a group coaching program where we work to grow beyond our current limits. When I started this business, I used a coach.
Coaching isn’t therapy, which focuses on resolving past traumas with a mental health practitioner. Coaching starts where you are today, and sets you up to tackle challenges to reach the next level.
I learned the about the Karpman Drama Triangle and Empowerment Dynamic from Martha Beck, the Queen of coaches. Before I understood this concept, the thought of becoming a coach was kinda cringy to me. I did not want to be someone who is perceived to have figured it all out, who is saying everyone needs to be more like me. But I do have a deep drive to follow my curiosity, and a dream to work with others who are interested in learning.
Karpman Drama Triangle - I am a victim who needs to be rescued
Persecutor - Victim - Rescuer
In the Karpman model, the person at the center, the client (the one with the “problem”) is seen as a victim. This problem is keeping them stuck, from moving forward and evolving. It is holding them back from living a life they perceive would be better. This problem is caused by the persecutor. The persecutor could be an individual, it could be an institution, it could be society. I was raised on the story of the Princess being rescued by Prince Charming “Someday my prince will come...”
I definitely spent many years hoping that someone would come and rescue me from a myriad of problems. I think women in particular are taught this, and we become quite comfortable blaming our problems on the lack of rescuers. Oh life would be better if only someone would come along and notice me, notice my talents, tell me what to do!
Even if someone does come along to rescue the victim, it can never really work because the rescuer pities the victim. The rescuer sees the victim as helpless, weak and needing to be rescued. This might work in the short term, but the victim will always find another persecutor, and be at the mercy of a rescuer. Therefore never really learning how to wield their own power, free themselves, and life life on their own terms.
Empowerment Dynamic - Every challenge is an opportunity to be creative
Challenge - Creator - Coach
The empowerment dynamic changes everything. In this model, we are not victims, we are creators. We are powerful beyond measure, and we have what we need to create a life that is right for us. That’s not to say we don’t have challenges and problems, that’s not how life works, and frankly, it’s not even desirable. We have challenges, we don’t feel happy, we know there is a better way, we want to have a greater impact, or fulfill a dream that has been living in our hearts for many years.
This is where the coach comes in. The coach is able to work with the creator to see the challenges in a new light. The coach is the witness, the coach is able to be objective and guide the creator to seeing challenges as opportunities. The coach can offer a reframe and witness the creator, which is part of the magic. We all have what we need already, but the irony is that we can’t do it on our own. That is one of the zillion paradoxes of life. When I learned that a coach can work in this way, I felt like I could accept the role. And guess who helped me understand that? A Coach!
If you know something needs a shift, I can help. I have developed a program based on the 4 elements framework to guide you through a process to access your own innate creativity and live with more flow.
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