This is a tricky one. I believe in the continuous evolution of the self. That our natural state is one of flux. They say the only thing constant is change, and we are not immune to this. The desire to change, the ability to adapt, and the idea that we are in a perpetual state of becoming is beautiful to me. The desire to stay a certain age, a certain way, to be in a fixed state or that there is a striving for the perfect state, and once we reach that, we focus on figuring out how to stay there, that goes against nature.
That being said, there is a difference between supporting our evolution, and a deep desire to fix ourselves. The underlying idea there is that we are somehow broken. My desire to change was motivated by a belief that there was something wrong with me fundamentally and that if I could figure out what it was, and fix it, that I would be cured. This is a lonely and painful place to be.
More specifically, I wanted to fix my feelings. I wanted to fix my sadness, my loneliness, my boredom. I wanted to fix my job, my marriage and my kids. These are the reasons I borrowed piles of self help books from the library, listened non-stop to self-help podcasts and invested money in coaching and programs.
I don’t believe anymore that I am broken, or that I need fixing, and I don’t think that you, dear reader, are broken either. What I now know, is that we all hurt, we all struggle, and that there is actually wisdom to be found in the struggle. The struggles are real, no matter how good things look on the outside. These hard feelings need to be acknowledged, felt, expressed, and can be a rich source of guidance as to what our next steps might be.
I used to be afraid of my rage, my sadness, my disappointment. I saw them as proof that I had made mistakes, been vain or arrogant or selfish. I had followed all the rules (mostly). I went to college and found a man, I had a noble profession (public high school teacher), I had friends and lived in a safe community. I had two kids in two years and was a stay at home mom. I had resources and privilege. I ate well and worked out and even dabbled in meditation. And yet, no number of gratitude lists or affirmations could cure me of the discontent that simmered under the surface. Despite following pretty closely the Patriarchal Path to Happiness, I was pretty sure something was broken and needed fixing.
Taking a long break from drinking wasn’t my first attempt at fixing myself. It was a choice made out of deep frustration and surrender. It was something like “Fine, I will try this. ” It was in the category of “might help, won’t hurt.” And much to my chagrin, it did help me find some peace. And from this place, what has transpired has been unexpected and fulfilling in a way that I couldn’t have imagined. I am still evolving, don’t get me wrong, but there is now a deep understanding that I am going to be ok, and that there is so much more here for me than I ever would have believed.