I didn’t recognize myself anymore. It wasn’t only the emotional roller coaster that I wrote about in reason #2, it was also that I had taken on a few new identities in a the previous decade, and I didn’t know who I really was anymore.
I had become a wife, a mother, a teacher, and these three roles pretty much consumed my whole day. I got the kids out the door, went to work, came home, maybe got some exercise, did the family evening routine, and I had a glass of wine or two or three to unwind. The problem was this didn’t leave any time or mental space for the me outside of these roles. I felt lost in plain sight. Not only were my days chock-full, there was a depressing same-ness to the routine that felt smothering. I didn’t know who I was anymore, and it was getting harder and harder to muster the energy to keep going.
What surprised me when I cut out alcohol was all of the time that I got back. Time seemed to shift and open. Not only time, but my energy and desire to actually do something different returned. Coincidentally (if you believe in coincidences, which the longer I live the less I do…) about a month into my alcohol-free experiment, I decided to participate in a 100 day project on Instagram. The project was introduced to me by a woman I met in an online sobriety group. The malnourished artist in me wanted to play, and this seemed like a good opportunity. Knowing what I know about practice leading to progress, I decided that I would do a simple drawing each day and post it.
This project both terrified and excited me, and I hadn’t felt that in a long time. I had no idea if I would actually complete 100 drawings, but the stakes were low and I had this new found space in my schedule to give it a try. I still remember the nervous energy rushing through my hands as a hit post on that first drawing. (The drawing posted above 👆) What happened next surprised me in a few ways. I started to find community around this creative outlet, I actually completed 100 drawings in 100 days - who knew! and I started to feel like I was alive again.
What I also know now this project gave me in early sobriety, was something to focus on. It gave my brain the opportunity to create new neural pathways, which have transformed how I think and feel about alcohol. I was able to move from the place of “I can’t drink” to "I don't want to.” Working with a coach supported this process as well. The drawings were often the very last thing I did each day, and posting daily forced me to let go of perfectionism and to get over the embarrassment of sharing and being seen.
Most importantly, I felt like there was now proof of my life. Something that I did each day, just for me. It planted the seed and also began the practice of making art that has become a huge part of my life today.