Week 4 Click HERE for a video of this page in the making.
At first respect seems fairly straight forward. I respect you, you respect me. But really this set up leads to being able to not respect others if they don’t respect me. It’s conditional. Really respect is about giving and expecting nothing in return. We respect others desire to not respect us in return.
But really there is no respect if we don’t start with ourselves. We have to respect ourselves, in the ways that we listen to and stand up for ourselves. In the ways that we care for and talk to ourselves.
Many of the things I tell myself I would never say to another person… “You’re always starting too many projects” “you should be…” “why can’t you be… already?” “You’re so…..[fill in the blank negative statement]”
Respecting ourselves is where we have to start.
My decision to stop drinking alcohol was a big step towards my self respect. Because I have always turned to writing when things are confusing, difficult, or lonely, I have boxes full of my thoughts over the decades. It is hard to look back because often it’s so clear to me now how little respect I had for myself.
All of my decisions were around keeping other people comfortable, happy, and making sure that I didn’t rock the boat. It was important to me to give off an air of “easy-going” “chill” and “cool” in this way I often went beyond what I knew was ok with me, because what I was definitely not ok with was drawing attention to myself or having to explain myself to others. Lay low, be cool was my motto. And it worked.
I had written numerous times about how I didn’t think that alcohol was right for me. That I didn’t like the way it made me feel, or what would happen when I got over excited and overindulged. In fact I had a policy that I would “never say no” I wanted to experience everything and be someone who was always up for anything. This served me well in many ways, I have had tons of adventures and am usually pretty up for trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone. So when I see that I had written down 10 years ago “I just don’t think I need alcohol in my life.” and then ignored that, that was not respecting myself.
Making the choice was for me, and that was a deep respect that I could learn to live without the liquid that was messing with my moods, my energy, and my vitality. It was hard to start. It was hard to learn to stand up for myself when offered a drink (“what will I say?) worrying about what others would think of me kept me from doing what I knew was right.
But I did it. I learned how to speak up for my small inner voice. I believe the more we act from and respect that voice, the more it offers us. Because you know what? It was right. I don’t need to drink alcohol in order to relax, or dance, or make friends. I have developed that respect for myself in this way, and also come to learn that other’s reactions really are about themselves.
Respecting myself means listening and giving myself the best chance in this lifetime to experience all the things that light me up. And there are so many!
How do you respect yourself? Do you find that when you start with you, you feel more respected by others?