2024 was...

I don’t know where to begin, there are so many thoughts swirling around my mind. So many things I want to say, and so what do I do when I am overwhelmed? Well, first I procrastinate. I put things off, I get real busy and all my time gets sucked up into other people’s needs (which are endless) or chores (also endless) and then finally the pressure is too much and I do what I know hot to do, which is start with a messy first draft. I just start. I have to kill all expectation of flowing prose or perfection. I have to let it be messy and start. Because once I start, then I realize, usually, that the overwhelm is just resistance, and. resistance usually means that the thing is pretty important, if not entirely necessary for my own health and well-being.

2024 was a year that I will always remember, it was a huge year for me personally and for all of us collectively. It was the year that my family said goodbye to our beloved yellow lab Nya; the year that my oldest son graduated from high school and moved away to college; the year that I finally left my high school teaching job; the year I committed to weekly volunteering as a SheRecovers coach; and the year that I became a substance use counselor, employed by a practice (A Positive Alternative) that I am wildly excited about that is aligned with my vision and surrounds me with mentors and teachers who see something in me that I don’t quite believe in yet. All in all it was a year of transitions, internal and external.

I’m sure there is more that I will remember later, but, this the time for good enough. And in the midst of all of the transition and change, there is a running theme of consistency. The work that I had been putting in, the dedication to my dream, the trusting that something more was out there for me and the willingness to show up for it, it seemed to pay a dividend.

I know that I am living a more aligned life now because this is a life that I never could have imagined. My professional life, my vocation, is something that my 25 year old self would not even believe, and that is how I know it is true. There is a freedom in this, and a sense of being guided that fills me with ease. And also the extra energy required to keep going and keep dreaming. It’s like confirmation that my curiosity matters, that my dreams matter.

Which reminds me that I still have a lot of work to do. This mission of mine, feels fueled by the great unknown, and mystery and magic are my happy place. I am more than excited to see what unfolds in 2025. I want to focus on connections, friendships and spending time with people I love. I want to recommit to my creative practice and I want to bring my blog back from it’s years long slumber. I want to build community both in person and through the magic of technology. I hope you will be a part of it.

How my creativity helped me change

After a series of unfortunate events, I made a pact with myself that after my upcoming birthday in March, I was going to take a long break from drinking. I knew I needed some space and time to catch up, rest and re-center myself. And while I told others this was just "a long break" I knew in my heart it would be forever.

I worked with a coach during the first month, to have the attention and space to talk things through and have my thoughts around drinking challenged and have someone who knew that an alcohol free life was possible for me, even when I didn't, was priceless.

Drinking had been my major way of connecting socially since I was a teenager.  All of my adult life, and really even before, I had equated good times, relaxation and connection with a drink in hand. It was nearly impossible for me to imagine a birthday, the beach, or a ski vacation alcohol-free.

The coach helped me find solid new beliefs that I could practice operating out of.

And as my mind quieted down from all of the resistance, I began to hear the small, quiet voice inside that nudged me along. And that voice had a desire to create. That voice didn't think it was too late to learn something new, or that I was doomed. That voice connected me with the #100day project.

And this is what I didn't put together until that meeting earlier this week. The 100 day project started exactly one month after I had quit drinking. That 100 day project gave me something to focus on, and not only that, but connected me with other creatives around the glove and also in my own neighborhood.

I shocked myself when I actually completed the 100 days without missing even one! Who knew I had that in me??  I also know that if I had been having a glass of wine in the evening to unwind, or having drinks at a party, I wouldn't have had the bandwidth to follow through.

I started to reclaim the energy I was losing and put it into something new. I made wobbly, terrible sketches and shared them publicly! Every day for over 3 months!! 

That small voice that I couldn't hear before, was now leading me on a whole new adventure. I can't even count the connections, friendships and inspiration that have blossomed from that first 100 day project.

non-conformity

I’ve often felt like a black sheep, not quite fitting in with the others.

But then I heard someone say that identifying as an outsider can also be a way to avoid risking vulnerability. As in, “They just don’t get me,” let’s me off the hook for having to make the effort it takes to connect.

We need the group for survival, but what if we don’t agree or want to be a part of it?

Quitting drinking has been maybe my biggest act of non-conformity and also probably the most empowering thing I have ever done for myself.

Any other black sheep out there?

loyalty

Loyalty seems to imply that we’ve found something or someone that works for us, that is mutually beneficial and we want to keep in our life. That is comforting and eliminates some aspects of struggle but I do wonder, since we are forever evolving, it’s probably a good idea to revisit our loyalties and check that they are still aligned with who we have become?

Otherwise we’re just clinging to what we know out of comfort, but maybe we’re missing out on something better for who we are today.

What do you think?

Inclusiveness

WEEK 11 INCLUSIVENESS

SPIRITUALITY

This card made me a little tingly at first, because it feels vulnerable to share and even to talk about something I rarely put into words. But hey, that’s what I’m here for so let’s go! 

I used to link spirituality with church and although I was raised attending and even participating in the rituals of the Episcopal church, I always had a lot of questions that I couldn't’ even form, let alone get answers to. My family went along with church to the effect that it was a center point of our community, a place to gather and to socialize. What was taught, discussed or the work that the church did didn’t seem too concerning to me or my family.

Then I had a phase where I would say something like “I’m spiritual, but not religious” which I still think is mostly true. It seems obvious to me that there is something "out there" bigger than anything I can comprehend.  I believe that organized religion has caused more pain and suffering in the world and empowered Patriarchy on a level that is deeply pervasive and omnipresent. 

In recovery circles there can be language around surrendering to a higher power, however that is determined by individuals and this felt closer to right for me. However, I definitely cannot fathom an old white man in a beard floating on a cloud in heaven directing the show down on earth, or even that God is a HE, or human... it just seems unimaginative to me.

Lately I am coming to believe that spirit is the animating force that compels us to do probably everything that we do, and it is in my best interest to nurture this relationship so that I can participate to the best of my ability.

Rainn Wilson said in an interview with Oprah once that “making art is a form of prayer” and that has stuck with me since. It stuck with Oprah too, because I have also heard her quote him many times. When I heard this I felt an unlocking, a knowing because yes, that is what art is for me too.

I’m not making art to be hung in a gallery, or even really ever seen by anyone. I’ve started sharing some of it because I want to bring others along, but it is not the final product that I am working for, it’s the act of putting together the pieces. This is a prayer because it is my unique interpretation, flavor, fingerprints even, in the work itself. 

When I open my art journal, or stand in front of a big blank piece of paper, I am opening up a portal with the divine. I am allowing something bigger to take over, to move me, to inspire me, and together we co-create. The final pieces evoke emotion, or memory, or new connections for me. 

Putting together this piece for “spirituality” I felt like grabbing my favorite mop brush and making some circles. This is fun for me. This is me trusting the process, this is me connecting with and following my intuition. Acting on my intuition, and this is perhaps where spirit lies. My intuition is stronger because I practice listening to it, even in these small ways on the page. It’s a relationship that I cherish, that has guided me towards truth time and time again. The image of the angel and the butterflies was already out on my cutting board, waiting for the right time.

Making art is my spiritual practice, it’s how I connect with and celebrate “a power greater than myself, grounded in love.” as the card suggests.